If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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