fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
