she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
