The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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