Need sex. Gaining weight.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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