I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
