So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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