Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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