I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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