True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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