She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
