can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
