Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
