I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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