so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
