Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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