You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
