Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
