Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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