I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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