Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
