I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She bit a glass in half.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
