I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
