At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
