my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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