my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Less talking, more tequila
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
