I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
