i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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