one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
he had hair everywhere except his balls
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
