Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
