We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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