A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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