I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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