You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
bring money and cleavage
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
