im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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