Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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