and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
