just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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