Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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