Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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