The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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