when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
