Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize