Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
