I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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