I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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