and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
