Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
