I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
