i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
zippers are such a cool invention
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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