guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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