It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
