I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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