three words: i give head
three words: not that well
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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