i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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