At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
