question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
