You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
