I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
