I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
