I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Say something about gay babies.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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