it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize