Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize