I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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