She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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