Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I got chris browned last night
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize