don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
