I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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