When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
