I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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