cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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