You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
