I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
